New hope

In thinking about today’s Walk for Women, fundraising for the Addis Ababa Fistula Hospital, I wanted to explore, through writing, what it might be like to be a woman whose life seems to end when a fistula arrives. I hope it might also help you to understand why I am walking today.

New Hope
I am a 15 year old Ethiopian girl. I am married to a nice man from my village. He is kind to me. I am due to have a baby very soon. My husband is very pleased.

I spend my days looking after my sister’s children. She is not well, so I look after them for her. I love them, and they help me with the work around the house and in the yard. I have never been to the large town over the hill. Time and cost doesn’t allow it. And if I went, I don’t know anyone there, so why go?
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My baby is starting to come. My mother says that the pains that I am feeling are because the baby is going to be born soon. I am excited, but a little afraid of the pain. The baby seems excited too, with lots of kicks.
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I did not give birth yesterday. I am still having pains. I wish they would stop. I cannot sleep, and if I try to eat, I can’t. I just want my baby to be born.
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I have been having pains for 4 days now. I cannot feel the baby moving anymore. I am so tired, I just want this to end. I want to see my baby. My husband comforts me, but he cannot make the pain go away.
—
Today my baby was born. He is a beautiful boy. He looks just like his father. But I am so sad, as my baby was no longer living. I feel the deepest grief. My husband hugs me and comforts me, but I feel broken. He is very sad too, and I try to comfort him.

I am worried because my body is leaking. I cannot stop the urine from coming. Maybe this is normal for a few days after a baby is born. My mother just shakes her head and looks worried.
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Today we buried our son. My husband and I are so very sad. My family and his family do not know what to say. Neither do we. My body is still leaking. I hope it stops soon.
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It is now a week since my beautiful son was born. I mourn him. I am worried because I am still leaking. Maybe if I stay still, it will stop. I do not go out anymore, as I am embarrassed by the smell. My nieces and nephews ask me to go away when I come to them. My husband is worried.
—
My husband has not been home for some days. I do not understand where he has gone. He has never done this before.

My house smells. My clothes smell. It is embarrassing and I feel ashamed. I go out at night to the well to get water to clean my clothes, but they still seem to smell. Going out at night is frightening when I hear the hyenas.

My family do not visit anymore. I long to see my nieces and nephews. I am running out of grain.

I hope my husband comes home soon. I hope he is ok.
—
My mother visited me today. I do not see anyone anymore, except when my mother comes to visit. She is kind to me, but she does not like my smell. I can see that she is repulsed by me.

I spend all day lying on my side. It seems to stop the leaking, until I move. I find it hard to move my legs. They do not seem to work properly anymore.

I am so lonely. I want my body to stop leaking. It makes me so sad. I have lost everything: my husband, my baby, my nieces and nephews, my friends, my life. It is hopeless.
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My mother has heard of a lady like me in the next village who leaked. She went away to Addis Ababa, and was fixed. She came back so happy. I want to find out how that happened to her. I told my mother to send my oldest nephew to the next village to find out. She said he can’t be spared – he is working on the harvest.
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The harvest is done. My mother has said that my nephew is going to the next village tomorrow. He is going to find out about the lady who is now so happy. It will probably take him a few days to get there and back. It is a very dangerous walk, along a mountainous route. I will pray for him.
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My nephew came back today. He brought amazing news. There is a place a long way away where they fix ladies who leak. I am so excited. The wet season starts soon, so my oldest nephew is going to take me before the roads become impassable. It will be a long walk. I am not sure that I can make it, seeing my legs don’t work properly anymore. Walking with my stick is very slow. My mother has arranged to borrow a donkey for me to go on. I am so happy I have cried all day.
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My nephew is very kind. He walks slowly beside me, and talks with me. I cook our food. The days are long, and the nights are even longer. Hopefully we will be there soon.
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We are still going. I am so tired. But we must get there soon. I must not lose hope. My nephew is anxious to return home before the rain.
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Tomorrow we will be in Addis. I can hardly believe it. We are not sure where to go when we get there, but God will show us the way.
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There are so many people here. I am embarrassed by my dirty clothes. I am embarrassed by my smell. Because people shun me, my nephew left me by the roadside and managed to find out where the hospital is, even though these people speak a different language to us. He thinks it is further up the road. I cannot get over how many people are here. The cars! The donkeys! The big houses! I have never seen anything like it.

But I am not here to see, I am here to be fixed. I hope they have room for me at the hospital. I hope our few coins are enough to pay for it. We do not have much left.
—
My nephew has gone home. I have been welcomed with open arms. I cannot understand the language they speak, but they found a girl who knows my language. She tells me what they are saying. A nice man explained why I leak, and what they are going to do to fix me. He was so kind. He asked me many questions and looked at me without my clothes on. He poked and prodded. It was embarrassing. I was glad the other girl was with me – she told me that they have to do this to figure out how to fix me. The man apologised and smiled at me kindly. He did not seem to mind my smell. He also does not want my money. I can’t believe they do not want me to pay for this.

My new friend is kind. She says that she used to leak like me, but they fixed her too. She will be going home very soon.
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Before they fix my leaking, the doctors and nurses want to get my legs working again. This frustrates me, because I just want to stop the leaking, but I do understand. They have me doing exercises each day. It hurts a lot, but I can feel that my legs are moving better. Soon I will be able to walk without a stick.
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Tomorrow they are going to fix me. I am afraid, as I do not know what they will do to me. I am also excited, because they say I will not leak anymore.
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Praise God, I do not leak anymore! The nurses and doctors who care for me are so kind. I am so happy. I see the girls who come here leaking, and they look so sad when they arrive. I want them to know that soon they will be happy like me.
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I am going home today. I have been dry for a week. The lady doctor, Dr Hamlin, has said that I will come back one day to have a new baby. She fills me with hope. I will tell everyone about this wonderful place. I am so happy! There is life ahead of me!

Thank you!
—

© Yvette Stanton 2011
This is a fictional account of what I imagine it could be like to find oneself with an obstetric fistula. I have never had one, nor even spoken with someone who has one, though I have visited the Addis Ababa Fistula Hospital. But I wanted to try to imagine what it could be like – the hope, turning to hopelessness, and then new hope. I apologise if through my ignorance I have demeaned or belittled the experience of women with fistulae. That is certainly not my intention.

Treatment is provided free of charge to patients and is funded by donations. To donate, please visit http://www.hamlinfistula.org.au/donate.html, fill out the form, and as I am today taking part in the Walk for Women to fundraise for the hospital, please put “Walk For Women YStanton” in the Event field. Please give as generously as you can.